A yearly tradition

How do you want to do it... with all of your close friends? a selected group of friends? spread it out into multiple gatherings? an intimate candle-lit dinner for two? or just plain-old family gathering?

I've tried it all.

So this year, it's back to the basics. I remember one year, maybe 4 or 5 years ago, it was Chinese New Year time and both of my parents were back in HK. It was one of those strange events (maybe due to the alignment of some cosmic forces) that we were all reunited under one roof. While it's not like it never happens anymore, it was still special considering the circumstances and the timing.

I heard before somewhere, that birthdays are not really a celebration for yourself as a being, but more an occasion to thank your parents for bringing you into this world and trying their best to raise you into a decent human being.

So while last year's big feast is still a vivid memory... I mean, I don't think I ever had that big a group sitting together in my honour, plus the fact that it was also the debute of a new beau, whom, sorry to say, has taken an eternal leave of absence... it would remain as it is, good memory, from the past.

Thinking back and reading some of the old posts, I dubbed last year the start of a great decade... things were finally working out in all sorts of ways, I was comfortable. But like everything else, good things also come to end. That does not mean my run is over though. Entering the 2nd year of the decade, I look at myself, and I see a slightly more seasoned person, with a few more scars here and there, but making good progress. That's what living is about, right?

So, back to square one... or, maybe more appropriate: just another beginning, among the many and many more we all will face, and should be glad that we can do it again and again :)

... On the road again... where to? by what?

Borrowed the title from a dear friend's heartfelt email today. Thanks. ;)

Have been thinking about a new Entry for the last week... but didn't know what to write after pouring my heart out. Well.... just whatever, I guess...

- I am enjoying my on-the-go music quite much, and have gotten back in touch with music that used to fill my life. This one in particular stood out tonight when I was at the gym...



So, back to the title. Sometimes we choose to get off the ride, and sometimes we're kicked off... does it matter if we are off at the right stop or not? Probably not. On the road again... to seek another ride, or to tackle the challenge on your own? Maybe that's the journey we all have to take.

(will keep it short this time... ran out of BS to say)

P.S. Wordy: Took your advice and now we are finalizing our plans for March. Looks like it's a go! Also re-thought about my August travel plans. :)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

It's one of my favourite movies. I love it's wackiness, I love Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey, I love the suggestion of loving the same person the 2nd time around, and I love the open-ended ending. So when you are really given a second chance, would you take a go at it again?

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Recently, on 3 separate occasions, this film was presented to me once again. A dear friend wrote me a note referring to this film, which led me to watch the film again last week, and a couple of days ago another dear friend emailed me and told me that she'd just watched the movie again and that prompted her to write me.

Erasing a memory that hurts so badly... for the time-being... is a quick fix. Oh how we want to get pass the sadness, how we want to emerge from rock bottom, how we always reminisce happy times, and how we cannot make a connection to reality...

The film suggests that despite having your memory erased, you still end up falling in love with the same person over and over again. Do we really learn from our so-called "mistakes"? And even knowing that it hadn't worked before, Joel and Clementine still decide to try again. Is that just being a hopeless romantic, or is that a belief that love is always there but it's timing and events that alter the outcome? So, love alone, really is not enough to sustain a relationship? But that's not even the point of the movie... because it's the process that we see Joel and Clem enjoy, when they really "live" the relationship, that they both want to go back and experience it, remember it. Another movie (which I also like) shares a similar theme, Adam Sandler's 2006 flick "Click".

_____________________________________________

Just did a simple search online, and this movie has some pretty good taglines:

I already forget how I used to feel about you.
Our memories makes us who we are. You can't change the past.
Would you erase me?
This Spring, clear your mind
I'm fine without you.
Do I know you?
You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story.
Replace My Memory
A comedy for anyone with a past they'd rather forget.

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I especially like the 3rd to last one...

"You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story."

Some people erase someone by running away, others do so by having a rebound, some resort to different substances, etc. I wonder, can you remember and forget at the same time? The reason I said this is because some say,

"oh you just need to forget about it and move on"

But then some say,

"Remember the good times, learn from it, treasure the memories"

You have to know one thing, that moving on is not that easy.
It's not like you're leaving everything behind and moving somewhere else; you're still in the same space breathing the same air going to the same places. Everything stays the same and the difference is tiny, miniscule. It doesn't even make a difference to ANYBODY else in this World but you, and you alone. That's why you feel so alone. You feel like you're in this perpetual Black Hole.

But we all crawl back from this Black Hole... dunno how (oh would somebody please tell me), but we all eventually make it, because the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is our will to love, our will to fall in love.

Unpublished posts

A few posts remain in Draft status, most of the time it's because I started writing it, but didn't finish it at that moment, so it'd remain in the "black hole" forever.

Not that I don't want to finish it, but this blog is about my feelings, and sometimes just some BS comment I'd like to make at that moment. When the moment passes, you just lose interest or you don't know how to continue writing. The concepts are gone, or "outdated", or maybe, forgotten.

Feelings come and go. And yes, you can't predict, guarantee, or hold on to a feeling. (But that doesn't mean that we can't try, right?)

... I've just lost my train of thought...

Sometimes, you get exhausted from feeling so much, and it becomes... a blob... a thing that you can't quite define. Maybe it's a good thing to be numb.... blah blah blah, blah blah blah...

What can you do

What can you do.
What can you do?

I wish something could be done... :(

十八年前的事

今晚我放棄一位摯友的音樂會，去了一個跟舊中學同學的聚會。
當年只完成中二課程的我，十多年來都沒有跟中學同學有什麽來往。但其中都有一兩個最終成爲很要好得朋友。

十幾個同學中，有好幾位，真是差不多十八年都沒有見過。好奇的是，十四位中，至少有三四個什麽都沒有改變。可能有些是肥了、頭髮少了，但與我所記得的真的沒有太大出入。不過，可能走的時候年紀還小，所以，幾個個別同學個子高了、大舊了。

母校裏，中一到中三是同班的，然後中四開始分理科及文科班。小弟沒有經過中學選科或會考的洗禮。。。中二已經遠走亞美利堅，所以跟這些由少玩到大的老朋友真的沒有太大的集體回憶。十多個年頭大家做了什麽？往英國讀書的有、澳洲的都有、當然香港的就更加多。現在，有些當上什麽投資銀行的顧問、分析員，作核數的也幾個，醫生、電訊設備系統、心理醫生、建築師、律師、工程師、外展訓練導師。。。大家都有了自己的calling。十四個人，七個已經結婚。我想，都差不多了。。。人生行到第三個十年，都應該有確定及清晰的方向，找到分享生命的另一半。是他們的生活“正統”？或是我的生活沒有方向？大有可能兩者皆是。

他們是否開心，我不清楚；亦未有太大興趣探討。始終，大家的世界不同，成長得過程不一樣，沒有什麽同樣的經歷。有時覺得自己的經歷大不同，但是亦只是自己太自我中心。每個人都有自己的故事，奈何要評論其他人的生活呢？自己有時做太多武斷的評論，爲什麽？是要自己提高對自己的評價？自我欣賞度過低？自尊或自我價值較低？未知。。。

很多時候，自己是内向的；沒趣亦沒時間去應酬。與自己一班圍内好友一起，感覺是舒服的，亦頗有安全感。雖然重遇十多嵗時的一圍同學是一個。。。“很不同”的聚會，但始終有點兒格格不入。起初我們還要作自我十年回顧的介紹。。。有點兒生硬、而且有點悶罷。沒有關係的關係，是根本大家的世界從一個共用的班房變成十四個小宇宙而所以演變成完全的斷線，還是十多年都沒見就是大家彼此關係的見證？這些可能就是答案。

與之前“Regret”一篇相呼應，其實有些記憶是埋在腦後。同學提起班房中的瑣事。。。“王伯”、“Mr. Siu”、“Miss Mok”是十多年來遺忘了的片斷。想起某些同學的趣事、老師的花名，都令自己會心微笑。

聚會結束後，飛過中環第二場，與一班摯友吃甜點。很多事，盡在不言中。講的笑話、小小的點頭，已經可以令我說：心領了。

苦中作樂, Reprise

When the going gets tough the tough keeps going.

Seems like an inspirational quote that we should pledge alligence to during times like these. If anything, I realize one thing... that there is really nothing you can do to make you feel better. There's no quick remedy, nothing you could do to make it hurt any less. You can try to fill you schedule with dinners, movies, gym, exercise, etc. but really, none of these would help. It's like going to jail, it's a fixed sentence, and you're gonna do time no matter what. But if somehow you have good behaviour, they might let you out early and finally you get back to your old self. Previously, I had taken the route of being on exile, and that turns out to be a bad idea... because you simply prolong the healing process and you never really get over it. So... Jail vs. Exile, for the long-term well-being, jail time seems to be the "better" way. (c'mon, is there really a BETTER way for this?)

My X'mas present turns out to be a blessing for times like these, and I am rediscovering some songs that I used to like alot, including this one:

某次　某晚　生命中某人
臨分手也狠　說世界誰比我親
我信那兩秒的我　曾經是最開心的人
幸福純屬偶然　誰介意沒永生

＊還記得幸福的感覺　苦中可作樂　已堪稱快樂
　誰為寂寞戀愛　將來也許更寂寞
　能記得受苦的知覺　苦中總有樂　還祈求甚麼
　若永久一起無方　我也懂得難過
　已證明　曾發生的不算幻覺＊

你說每次見到我　良心便再得到試煉
熱戀容或偶然　朋友永遠發展
Repeat＊

你能對我講　曾真心喜歡著我
亦已真心不喜歡我　還求甚麼
Repeat＊

無題

有時d歌詞真係寫得好到肉...



最好　有生一日都愛下去
但誰人　能將戀愛當做終生興趣
生活　其實旨在找到個伴侶
面對現實　熱戀很快變長流細水

可惜我　不智或僥倖
對火花天生敏感
不過　兩隻手拉的太緊
愛到過了界那對愛人
同時亦最易變成一對敵人

＊合︰也許相愛很難
就難在其實雙方各有各寄望　怎麼辦
要單戀都難　受太大的禮會
內疚卻也無力歸還
也許不愛不難　但如未成佛升仙
也會怕愛情前途黯淡
愛不愛都難
未快樂先有責任給予對方面露歡顏

＃得到浪漫　又要有空間
得到定局　卻怕去到終站
然後付出多得到少不介意豁達
又擔心有人看不過眼

合︰可惜我　不智或僥倖
對火花天生敏感
不過　兩隻手拉的太緊
愛到過了界那對愛人
同時亦最易變成一對敵人

重唱　＊,＃

合︰無論熱戀中失戀中都永遠記住第一戒
別要張開雙眼

I could only feel the excitement...

Happy New Year.... WHOA>>>>>>>>>>>>>>